The past three years have been some of the most difficult times of my life because I have felt so far away from God. I've often cried out to Him, "Why have You left me?" "What have I done/not done to have the gift of a child withheld from me?" "Don't you love me?" "Why don't You think I will be a good mother?"
I've gone through the grieving process many times as the loss of a dream and a child slipped away with each passing month. I've felt the guilt of not being able to give Todd a child...denial, trying to convince myself that I really don't want children...anger of not conceiving and knowing that God has the power to reverse this sadness...depression and isolating myself to reflect on my pain...and HOPE, knowing and believing in God's promises: "For I know the plans that I have for you, plans for welfare and not calamity to give you a future and a hope". Jeremiah 29:11
Since we have begun the adoption process, I've been full of hope and excitement. I've been excited to give a child a home who doesn't have anyone to love him/her. Others have approached me about starting the adoption process, which would give more children homes. Maybe God is using me in this way. I've pictured a child in our home, teaching him/her how to say, "puppy", of all things. I sit in the "baby room" in the rocking chair, and pray for our child. This chair is special because Todd's mom rocked him in it when he was a baby. I'm getting attached to this adoptive child, whoever he/she may be.
Now we've hit another bump in the road. Until recently, I haven't much worried about it because I've been bound and determined NOT to fall into the temptation of worry! However, the hour is upon us. This week Ukraine votes on a bill that could potentially stop adoptions to the U.S. until an agreement is made. It's kind of like I'm waiting to take another pregnancy test...will it be negative or positive? I'm living each day holding my breath, wanting to know the result, but not really. It's already in my mind that adoptions will be put on hold, but I still cling to the hope that nothing will be delayed and we'll adopt as scheduled. God already knows the outcome and how it will affect our lives. I continue to replay one of my favorite songs in my head, "You are God alone, from before time began, You are on Your throne, You are God alone..." I know God is still in control, even if it doesn't feel like it or look like it from my perspective. I'm so thankful that God has a different perspective than me! In the midst of our impossible circumstances, God extends His hope to us, and to His orphaned children.
I'm reading a book my friend, Julia, gave me written by Ruth Graham. It's called Fear Not Tomorrow, God is Already There. (yes Julia, I'm STILL reading it:) I wanted to pass along a passage that has been helpful to me during this uncertain time in my life, yet a time where I'm grasping tightly to God's hope.
"God has not left you or forgotten about you. He has planted His hope within you. You can hope again....Every morning, you wake up to a new day with new potential, new possibilities, new ways to experience God's character, and new opportunities to enjoy this gift God has given you called life! Yesterday's challenges may change into today's promises fulfilled. There is still hope!"
Please pray for this bill in Ukraine...that it will not stop adoptions as lawmakers rewrite laws to improve the adoption process. Children need homes and there are many like me who are waiting to be someone's forever family.